Give Yourself Permission
Give yourself permission. That’s a loaded statement. Give yourself permission for what? I want to give myself permission to grieve, to be weak, to not always have my s@#$ together, to recognize when I experience trauma and to not brush it off as if nothing happened, to not always be “ok” and to accept and acknowledge that I am not perfect and to be at peace with my imperfections. Yesterday, I did not give myself permission to grieve and I was left feeling exhausted and disappointed in myself. Yesterday was a hard day.
Yesterday my dog passed away after 13 years and 9 months of being my child. He was steadily getting slower and weaker this year and I was so hoping he would make it a few more months. My husband woke me about 6 am to tell me I needed to go downstairs to check on him and that I probably needed to take him to the vet. He wouldn’t get up and he couldn’t walk. By the time I got him into the car he was struggling to breathe and my heart was breaking. My husband said goodbye to him and the kids did too, not fully understanding what that meant at the time. By the time I got to the interstate, he was breathing intermittently. Through tears, I was speeding down the onramp not realizing how fast I was truly going and a cop caught me right as I thought to slow down. As I was pulling over I felt Ike’s spirit leave. It sounds crazy, but I felt something move in the air, and there was an absence of life that made my car feel empty suddenly. At the same time, I felt a stabbing in my gut, a spasm, and I couldn’t breathe. I knew he was gone.
I came to a stop and sobbed. The police officer walked up to my window to find a wreck in the front seat. I felt sorry for him. He helped me open the back of the car and check on Ike, even though I knew for certain he had passed. He told me to stay as long as I needed and he recently had to say goodbye to a pet. I held Ike for a few more minutes and then drove to the vet where they put me in a room and let me stay for as long as I needed. I cried. I should have stayed and cried more. I should have screamed at the top of my lungs and let the pain and grief wash over me. But you know what I did? I told myself to get going. That I had things to do that day and it was already 8 am.
So I left, and went to the grocery store, came home and meal prepped, tried to study, and basically gave myself some harsh self talk about how I never get all the things done that I need to and that I slept in too late and should have got up earlier. I didn’t lift weights as I should have and I beat myself up over that too. I did manage a long walk and being out in nature helped at least stop the crying. I got on with the “doing,” the getting it done trap that many of us fall into each day. I picked up the kids, went to dinner with my in-laws, and came home. I fussed at my stepson when he tried to make a joke. I felt angry towards myself and my life. I couldn’t sleep and felt so much guilt for how Ike passed away in the back of my car. How I didn’t get to the vet quick enough and I should have been holding him while he left me. I beat myself up instead of letting go of circumstances I can’t change. I woke up with a zit-covered face, a pulled back from lifting him off the ground when I should have asked my husband for help and weakness in my entire body.
Here is what I should have done……….
I should have gone home immediately after the vet and allowed myself to crawl into the bed. I should have wiped the to-do list out of my mind and allowed myself to feel the loss of my dog. I should have stopped begin so hard on myself and given permission to take a day off from anything and everything. Losing a pet is traumatic. It is ok to not be ok. Laying down and crying would not have made me lazy or weak. It would have allowed me to deal with the loss in the way humans are supposed to deal with a tragedy. Crying and sobbing are a release and it is how we express the pain of losing a loved one. Instead, I cried while I was trying to do. Today I am left weaker than I was yesterday. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we not give ourselves permission to be weak and to grieve? These are the questions I ask myself today. My mind is split into two parts. The part that says lay down and it will be ok, and the part that says you have to go to work and you need to read that article on T helper cell balance.
I am not an expert on grief or loss, but I do realize I made a mistake yesterday by allowing myself to take a day to grieve my loss and deal with the trauma. I hope I will be kinder to myself in the future. I know writing this down has helped. I hope this helps you give yourself permission to not always be on top of everything, to slow down, to not be ok.
